


Goodbye To A World

by Joyd



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 03:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6103102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joyd/pseuds/Joyd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forgiveness isn't worth hurting him.</p>
<p>Based on a prompt on Tumblr:</p>
<p>“I’m drunk,” he said, sighing as he rested his head on the closed door, listening for her heartbeat on the other side, “I’m drunk, and I’m in love with you, and you dumped me the day before my birthday, and I just. I just. I want to know why.“</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye To A World

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kandayuu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kandayuu/gifts).



> I wasn't originally going to write anything for this, but then a mutual called me a "troublemaker" for liking to make her sad and I could hardly let that go unjustified.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes or missing words, etc, let me know, please and thank you. I wrote this in a bit of a rush, so I'm sure there's some.  
> (I don't even really ship LaviLena, but I do so enjoy punching people in the heart.)

He’s been outside her apartment door going on 20 minutes now, and still she doesn’t have the heart to open it. He deserves an explanation, he deserves to know that she loves him too, with all her heart and soul and more. She wants to open the door, to pull him inside and take whatever he’s been drinking from him, to sit him on the couch and just _explain_ , but… but she can’t. She can’t do that, she’s committed to this, she can’t back out now, can’t open the door or even explain through it, she just _can’t_.

Because as much as he deserves an explanation, and deserves to know that she still loves him so, _so_ much, he also deserves to be _happy_.

He deserves to be happy, and able to move on with his life. He’s working on double majors, he’s got a great job lined up, he’s got his _life together_ , despite sitting on her doorstep drunk out of his mind the day before his birthday, and he deserves to be _happy_. And despite what she wants to do, what ever part of her is begging her to do, Lenalee knows, without a shred of doubt, that he won’t be able to find that happiness with her.

She wants him to be able to hold on to the 4 years of memories they’ve shared for as long as he can without them being clouded with pain or guilt, wants those memories to be looked back on fondly, not with remorse and tears. She wants him to be happy in the future, and she wants him to remember the happy times they _did_ have together gladly, and if this is the only way to ensure that….

She won’t be happy about it, _he_ won’t be happy about it, at least for a little while, but the future for him is open and bright. She’s already told Kanda, and Komui knows, of course, but she hasn’t told Allen yet, if she even will. Allen is one of her best friends, and while he can certainly keep a secret, he will also _absolutely_ , vocally disagree with her choice, and he will, inevitably, talk her out of it if she tells him. 

(She wants to be talked out of this, oh how she wants to be, but she can’t let herself be. For Lavi’s sake.)

Kanda’s quiet understanding and not-so-quiet disapproval at her choice, Komui’s tearful support and promise to explain _after_ , are both things she needs and appreciates. She doesn’t _want_ to do this, not _really_ , and that they understand that is enough. It will have to be, to get her through this.

Oh but she wishes Lavi would go home! Listening to him through the door is breaking her heart all over again, and there’s nothing she can do but curl up in the corner of the couch and cry, as silently as she can manage. She’s already called Kanda and asked him to come get their friend, because she doesn’t want Lavi wandering off in this state and getting hit by a car, but she can’t bare to hear his pain. She knew it would hurt him, knew it would drag him into a slump like this, it’s why she decided to break it off _now_ , before his classes start up, while he still has time to pick himself up, even if it’s not a lot.

She can’t bare to drag him down, to hurt his chances of success when he’s come so far. He’s so close to graduation, so close to getting his degree and moving on to bigger and better things, she _can’t_ risk it by waiting even a week longer. And she knows, as surely as she knows her brother loves her and that Allen is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, that if he _knew_ , he’d drop everything to help her, to support her and try to find a solution, _any_ solution.

But there _is no solution_ , not for this, not this late in the game. If it was two years ago, one year ago, even just a few _months_ ago, maybe. Maybe there would be something they could have done, could do now, but it isn’t and there’s nothing. Nothing to do but wait and hope and maybe, maybe have enough time to come to terms with it. But Lenalee doesn’t believe in miracles, has long stopped believing in a benevolent, kind higher power and magic or fairy tale fixes.

There’s no spells, no miracles, no acts of god or nature or medicine that can fix this, that can help her now. And she can’t tell Lavi that, because he won’t believe her. He’ll fight and he’ll search and he’ll drive himself into the ground, and he’ll drop out of school and run himself ragged and she _can’t let that happen_. She loves Lavi so much it steals the air from her lungs and makes her heart beat a fast, painful tattoo against her ribs, leaves her head feeling fuzzy and her body warm all over, like wrapping up in a fluffy blanket on a sleepy morning.

This hurts him, she knows that all too well. It hurts him so much, and she’ll never forgive herself, hates herself for it even now as she sits and does nothing to ease his pain. It’s painful, but it’s not as painful as it _could_ be, as it _will_ be, but if she can create this distance _now_ , start the healing process early on, it will hurt less later. It’ll hit lighter, will heal faster, and will create enough distance that moving on won’t be such a hard step for him. As much as it hurts him, and hurts her to listen to, she wishes she could do it with Komui and Kanda and Allen, too.

If she could just distance herself from all of them, from everyone that will be hurt by it, to give them an easier time later down the road and a lesser loss to bare, she would do it in a heartbeat. She loves them all, in different ways but all so very, _very_ much, but at least they’ll have each other. At least they’re all close, and on good terms, and experienced at supporting each other in painful times.

At least Lavi will have them to help him understand and heal when she’s gone. Part of her wants to hold on, to make sure he’s alright after all this, but the rest of her wants her body to hurry up and give up. Failing out from under her, and all she can do is wait for it to end, watching her loved ones suffer because she wasn’t strong enough. All those years of thinking the pains in her legs were just from poor arch support and flat feet combined with volleyball and track, _if only_.

She listens from the couch as Kanda arrives, hears him talking quietly to Lavi, hears Lavi drunkenly, tearfully demanding answers. Hears them leave, Kanda’s old van pulling away from the curb and leaving her with the silence of an empty apartment and the city life around them. She wonders, as she wipes futily at the tears running down her cheeks, if Lavi will ever forgive her for this.

She wonders, and thinks that, even if he doesn’t, she understands. She never forgive herself, either.


End file.
